Bachelor Live Blog!

I haven’t watched any episodes of this season of The Bachelor but when I realized how batshit crazy it is after seeing only, like, thirty seconds, I decided I’d try out a live blog. I just knew shit was about to get wild. And wild it got.
(I’d already started by the time I realized the show was already in its second half since apparently it’s TWO HOURS LONG.)
Let’s do this.

9:10: Wow. Everything about this show got ten times weirder since I last saw it. Which was like seven years ago.
9:13: Are. You. Kidding. Me? A collage? This girl made a collage of words that describe how she feels about him. Why is one of the words “scotch”? Also, “Food and Wine?” You totally just cut out that magazine’s title. I bet she was like, “We totally enjoyed food and wine together.”
9:14 This guy has the hair every 14-year-old boy had my freshman year of high school.
9:23: Wait. They aren’t in the United States?
9:23: Ha. Love that the host just said “Y’all.” Chris Harrison. So casual.
9:24: So apparently, one girl has a boyfriend back home and they spoke with him and he said that they are still together. Chris Harrison of course had to take her outside to talk about it and of course all of the others women are just standing there watching this through the giant window. Um… they can see y’all. This house literally has glass walls.
9:24: If you wanna be on The Bachelor, then why wouldn’t you lie about being in love with your boyfriend back home? I think she doesn’t really care about being on the bachelor which is awesome.
This girl is great. Yeah… I guess I still love my boyfriend back home. I should prolly be with him, I guess.
9:30: Man, she is pulling off the lightwash denim romper, though. If you have skills like that you deserve better than this show. That thing would look like crap on 99% of the population.
9:32: She better leave the show on her own. Obviously the bachelor will kick her off now if she doesn’t.
9:33: If this show was really in it for the drama, they would’ve let him end up with her and then let the truth out right after he proposed.
9:34: Can the show just become about her reuniting with this Michael guy? Seems more interesting than these other chicks.
9:35: I hope all the other girls made those crazy faces not because they were shocked that she went home because of a secret boyfriend, but because they too are secretly in love with someone back home.
9:40: Ohhhh. This guy was on The Bachelorette that explains why he can have that hair and still get cast.
9:42: At least don’t part it exactly in the middle. Come on.
9:43: These people have too many feelings. And this is coming from someone with a lot of feelings. I think the problem is they just say the word “feelings” too much.
9:44: Whoa, this really confident girl is awesome. Confident Girl” “I’m worried about being kicked off.” Other girl: “Really?” Confident Girl: “No. Just kidding! Not at all!”
9:44 Oh no! That’s Courtney the model! That’s the one my friend (who watches this show religiously) warned me about! I was tricked too, bachelor! I was tricked too!
9:45: Oh god, what is this one about to do?
9:45: Apparently say “I have really big plans.” Then all of a sudden straddle him in the least smooth way ever and say “I was like, gonna… Make out with you.”
Ahhhh this is so awkward.
9:47: “Oh I’m just embarrassing myself.” “No you’re not.” Oh yes. Yes you are.
9:48: I think she literally hasn’t kissed someone before. “Okay. We’re gonna go mouth closed first… then we’re gonna go mouth open.”
9:48: Oh shit. He’s freaking out! “There’s, like, an instruction manual. I can’t do this!”
9:54: Percent chance that dresses are provided by Bebe: higher or lower than 50?
9:55: I hate roses. No. I don’t accept the rose. Where the peonies at?
9:56: Percent chance that he’ll end up with Courtney: higher or lower than 50? I’m calling it right now. Courtney is gonna win. They do refer to it as winning, right?
9:57 Oh. Weird straddling girl didn’t get a rose. Didn’t see that coming. Not.
9:57: “I’ve never met any guy like Ben.” Any guy that wasn’t from Dryden, New York?
9:57: Just realized his name is Ben.
9:58: That Bachelor girls’ faces tumblr is really getting some fodder tonight.
9:59: He’s a wine maker??? (Also, there’s gotta be another word for that. Which I don’t feel like looking up.)
9:59. The outro is this one girl rapping to Ben which, while embarrassing, was apparently less offensive than straddling and planning kissing. This show is so embarrassing that writing a rap for someone and then performing it is something that they just throw in during credits. Although, honestly, the rap is surprisingly good. But her flow is weak. And he clearly didn’t like it. Jerk.